Posts Tagged With: relationships

Are You Though?

“I’m just being honest”

How many people do we know say that right before they say something pretty hurtful? I can think of a few. I’m pretty sure I’m a culprit of doing this myself.

While being honest is an excellent quality to have as part of your repertoire, we can’t neglect that it can sometimes stem from a desire to cause someone pain, thus cloaking its true nature under the intent of being truthful. Of course, the truth does hurt sometimes, and often times the truth needs to be heard. But we can control how that truth is packaged. Words can cut like knives and you can very easily bury your relationship with the verbal cuts of a “truthful” tongue.

So are you being honest or are you using it as a platform to gleefully throw knives at someone from behind the force-field of “honesty”? Here’s how to distinguish between the two: If you want to be an asshole the wrong kind of honest, then go ahead and stomp on that person you’re trying to hurt while pretending you’re doing them a favor by being honest. But if you want to be the right kind of honest, then evaluate the situation and balance your desire to be direct with the other person’s right to be treated with respect.

There is no need for the truth to be delivered in an overly harsh manner and certainly not at the expense of someone’s feelings. Whether you are masking your own insecurity by putting someone else down or lashing out in anger, the way in which you choose to package and deliver your words in the heat of a storm says more about you than your claims of taking the moral high ground. Sure, it feels good to expunge your negative energy under the veil of honesty, but know that you’re not inherently trying to benefit the other person and that you may very well pay a terrible price for this temporary satisfaction.

Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything:
1) “Does this need to be said?”
2) “Does this need to be said by me?
3) “Does this need to be said by me now?

Consider whether what you intend to say or do will be helpful and constructive to the other person and your relationship or not. If you’re speaking out of a place of anger, then you’re single-handedly tearing out the roots of that relationship. But if you’re speaking from the most vulnerable part of your emotional core that isn’t tainted by hurt, anger or sadness, then you’re turning conflict into connection, and fostering a relationship based on the right kind of honesty.

honesty


“Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully.”

— Richard Bach

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Ah, Amore!

I don’t usually watch romantic comedies but when they star Joseph Gordon-Levitt then I’m all over it like the Chinese on Tibet. And so I watched 500 Days of Summer. This is not a review of the movie or anything but I came across a quote Joseph made regarding his character in the movie that was really striking:

“I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person.”

Thank you, Joseph.

How many of us have done this? I know I have definitely idealized people, be it boyfriends, friends, or family, and made them out to be something completely different from what they truly are, and it’s no one else’s fault but my own. Thankfully, I have come to realize the grave mistake of doing so and most times I catch myself in the act before I inflict serious damage to my psyche.

When it comes to relationships, most people sincerely believe that finding the right person will give their life meaning and will therefore make it beautiful. As lovely as that sounds, it isn’t that simple. This idea of completion is such a deadly concept because really, happiness cannot be found through acquiring someone. Real happiness can only be derived from yourself and if you’re not happy with yourself, you will never be happy. What’s great about relationships is that you get to share your self-derived happiness with the person and vice versa – that’s what makes your life beautiful. Life isn’t going to miraculously be better or different just because you found someone who loves you. You need to love you too.

The message I got from this movie is this: don’t look for the one who completes you. You need to be complete first, then look for the one who loves you completely.

And that concludes this sap-fest of a blogpost.

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“Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; time takes time. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”

– Johanna de Silentio

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The Nice Guy Syndrome

Last weekend, I had a very bad experience with a guy who had a serious case of “The Nice Guy Syndrome”. To put it simply, The Nice Guy pretends to be your friend so that he can eventually wheedle his way into your pants. Suffice it to say that I have cut all ties with said Nice Guy but I think it’s important that I bring to light this very prominent issue. Most Nice Guys don’t think they’re wrong, and this was true in my case. He didn’t even realize his mistake. Only when I called him up and gave him a tongue lashing did he consider how wrong his actions were and acknowledge that his behavior was extremely disturbing. Unfortunately, I highly suspect his apologies were given only for my benefit. I don’t think he believes he did anything wrong.

Definition: Nice Guy Syndrome is an annoying mental condition in which a heterosexual man concocts overly simplified ideas why woman aren’t flocking to him in droves. He will whine about how women never want to date him because he’s “too nice” and that women only want to be with guys that treat them like shit. In reality, he isn’t very nice. His “nice deeds” (like taking you out, helping you with your daily activities, being a “friend”) are motivated as attempts to passively please women into a relationship/sex. In short, his niceness is self-interested, and it contributes to his sense of entitlement when it comes to dating and sex.

What Nice Guys fail to realize is that girls don’t want to date a jerk, and when they do, it is accidental and not become of some weird desire to be treated like crap (and don’t bring up girls who go back to their abusive partners – abuse is complicated and not related to this). They just want to date guys that are genuinely nice. What women really want in men is a whole other topic which I won’t post about since I’ll digress and plus, this is already circling the interwebs.

So here it is. The raw, real truth. 

Are you listening?

The truth, Mr. Nice Guy is this…

……

………….

YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY NICE.

You’re a prick who could have been rejected for many reasons, but I’m going to say it’s probably because you’re a misogynistic asshole. Maybe if you quit being a jerk, more girls would go for you. And even if they don’t, you still don’t have a reason to call them bitches who don’t know what’s good for them. Instead of looking at why they are the problem, examine yourself and see what it is about you that’s making them run in the opposite direction. Take a freaking hint!

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Also, I’m all for shaming “nice-guys” like this:

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But Bro, I Don’t Want To Be Tied Down!

Guys and girls. You need to stop saying that. No one is asking you to be in a committed relationship and no one wants to hear about how you don't want to be tied down to one girl (or guy) when you've entangled yourself in a monogamous relationship. There are such things as open relationships, friends with benefits, one night stands. You don't HAVE to be monogamous – there are other options! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having more than one consenting partner, with having sexual relations with a consenting friend or stranger. What IS wrong is going about it behind your partners back, without their consent.

I don't get it. If someone who dislikes commitment finds himself /herself in a relationship that demands it, why do they go along with it only to later cheat on their partner? If you're unhappy in a relationship, the solution is simple: get out of it. If your needs aren't being met, if you find yourself struggling, if you feel that you deserve someone better, then grow a spine, let your partner know it's not working out and leave the relationship. Know your priorities: own them and state them – all you have to do is find someone with similar priorities and everything can be hunky dory after that. 

Don't want to hurt your partners feelings? Be straight up with them. Don't be a sneaky coward about how you really feel and don't string them along. That's not fair to them and while the truth may hurt, at least you're doing the right thing and you can walk away with some kind of honor. 

It's really very simple.

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