Okay, I’m going to come out and say it. This must be done. Someone needs to say it goddamnit!
I would like a tampon box with a picture of a girl fist pumping the air while riding a monstrous bucking shark.
I was just thinking the other day about how nice it would be for pirate, dinosaur, and/or camo themed tampons and other ‘hygiene’ products (why do they call it ‘hygiene’ products anyway? But that’s a whole other post altogether).
Dear Advertisers and Marketing people: I’m tired of this bright pink, soft blue, or “feminine”-yellow colored crap. Not that there’s anything wrong them, but after some time those colors get a tad too sugary. Some variation that steps away from the traditionally female-looking delicateness of things would bring no harm, believe you me.
I’m shedding the lining of my uterus people! Something that, actually, is really rather important to how our ENTIRE SPECIES has evolved, developed, and adapted to become dominant on this planet. And yet, people are uncomfortable with this process. They feel they must tip toe around it; or sweep it under the rug when mentioned as it should be hushed and hidden behind cupboards and under sinks. Why? Because it’s icky.
It’s not icky you idiot. Every day women carry people into being, through the passage of their lady parts. To condemn it as something ‘gross’ is to condemn the entire process whereby you were brought into this world!
All I want is some recognition for the fact that it’s pretty damn badass. Because it totally is. Now let’s hug all the people who don’t want to hear/read about how we women bleed yet don’t die. There, there, it’ll be okay, I’m almost done.
I want pirates with peg legs and muskets and skull-and-crossbones on that box. I want a screaming pterodactyl descending with massive clawed talons extended to do battle with an enraged T-Rex with the kind of expression that tells you that it means business.
Oh, and btw, when we’re advertising for this stuff, can we stop with this “our product helps you hide your delicate lady business from the eyes of other people” bullshit. I want a product that shows me that these babies can stand up during an epic firefight with brain eating zombies and face sucking aliens. I want guns and bullets and something to blow up like somebody just invited the Mythbusters on set. I want a commercial with three or four badass folks-that-menstruate (including the non-cis woman menstruators in there!) as secret agents and doing kicks and flips to prove to me that these products can handle what I go through as a uterus-bearer.
Want me to buy your products? Prove I can use it during an epic demon apocalypse without my underwear getting marked by Zorro (if you know what I mean). Can we do that? Is it too much to ask for something like that? Just no more flowers, for the love of endometriums everywhere, okay?