What Is Up With Morning People?

Seriously, how do you do it?

A six a.m. run. Sure! Please go right ahead!
Tell me, who hears the alarm clock go off and think, “Screw getting an extra hour of sleep! I’m gonna go outside in the freezing rain and wear my poor toes down repeatedly against the unforgiving pavement! YES!” When I head the alarm clock, I put it off and continue snoring. I refuse to accept that taking a morning run is an actual human impulse for some. It’s just too absurd, too cruel, too masochistic. Maybe that’s it. Maybe morning people are just the most civilized and self-disciplined of masochists, and it was either this or hiring a dominatrix, and this was the less expensive option.

Riddle me this: what is all the name of things pure and good is the desire, the need, to make others aware of their Morning Person status? 
There is no doubt in my mind that the inspiration for all the various statuses and tweets along the lines of: “What a beautiful morning, a nice hour of yoga and I’m so ready to attack today! #GettinThatWormBro” is simply to make the rest of us feel bad as we stand, comatose, in front of our coffee machines. I hate you, social networking-capable morning person. You are the worst part of waking up.

How early do you people have to go to sleep? 
In order for me to jump out of bed at 7 and dance around my room as my clothes magically appear on my body, as I imagine happens with morning people, I would realistically have to be in bed by 9 p.m. the night before. I couldn’t do this anyway because I have made myself a nightly ritual of tumblr-ing until 2pm every night. Nonetheless, the amount of good, solid sleep I would need to justify/ power being such a chipper douchebag at such an ungodly hour is something not physically possible with my current evening schedule. If you bastards are going to sleep at midnight, I refuse to accept you are human.

Who actually eats legitimate breakfasts in the early morning? 
I overhear people who talk openly about their ritual of eating granola, greek yogurt, soft-boiled eggs, toast, a glass of juice, and a coffee in the morning. WHAT. That is straight brunch material right there, and we’re talking on a Sunday in which getting out of bed at 11:30 is a great success.

Go away morning people. Go away while I sit and sulk in the corner.

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